Learning to listen to my husband?

My husband and I have been together for 13 years...and over the years we have grown apart. We have been arguing more and more and last night we hashed things out. He let me know I don't know who he is and he doesn't think I want to know either. I do want to get to know him again...but I forgot how to listen. My husband let me know that all I do is tell him what I think, how I see things and how I want them...he is right.



I've been living with my parents while I am in school and he is in Afghanistan. When he gets back..we will still be apart as I live in California for school and he is stationed in NY. He doesn't want me moving up there with him because he should be leaving to another base again soon...and he doesn't want me quiting school or having to repeat classes because the school I transfer to doesn't take all my classes. Watching my parents...I realized my bad habits are from them.



In saying all this...how do I change myself and learn to listen. I know it'll be hard with both of us so far apart...but I need to learn how to change and ways to do it, accomplish it and make it a permanent change. Breaking old habits can be hard...and this is why I am looking for advice and help to make this change so I can save my marriage and my relationship to my husband.Learning to listen to my husband?
While i agree with you i am also skeptical because of previous questions you posted about your husbands behavior. It kinda seems he is using his ';I have changed'; excuse to make his talking to the ex-girlfriend ok with you, and that's not cool at all. He still needs to stop all contact and all email,myspace,ect..if he wants to save his marriage. But it kinda seems like he's already out-to-lunch so to speak.As far as changing yourself, that's how counseling helps. the counselor acts as a mediator to help you guys see your faults in arguments and things you can do to change how you think,feel,and act. You guys need to get into counseling if possible. But hearing your situation that doesn't seem possible. I suggest you stay with your folks til you finish school and focus on you. If he really loves you then he will still be there when your finished. If he's not then you will still have your family,your degree, and your piece of mind. He seems a bit controlling and manipulative to have already convinced you it's your fault for not understanding him, yes people grow and change in a marriage but that does not excuse his poor behavior and disrespect to you.Learning to listen to my husband?
Looks like a manipulation case. Consider the fact you do know what he told you, hence you do listen.



Looks like he is just putting you down about your defects, he is not perfect either. Definitely he is not perfect, doesn't he have anything on where he can work?, if you are the only one interested on changing in order for him being better, then you are starting to submiss way too much. You should have something on pointing him where he can be better
to listen is easy, but to understand is something else.cj you know what you have been through and i know it hurts you. you are a very smart women. don't let your heart over rule your mind. listen with your heart and the understanding will come.but don't be blind and not look at what is real. you are my friend and i will always be here for you.
get out of the house... and get a place of your own...... then worry about putting the other pieces of your life back together.... one at a time.



talk to your pastor... ask what are some things that you can do to become a better listener.
Good girl . Im happy to see that another woman can finally see the light . That's all you need im sure things will work themselves out from now on
Take this to Dr. Phil.
Self help books will probably serve you better then a few paragraphs of advice here. Realizing a short coming and wanting to improve yourself in that area is the biggest step. So you tell your husband what you think, how you see things and how you want them..... why is that a problem? Does that make you self centered or merely having a dominant personality? Learning to listen to someone, seeing their point of view can be trying, especially if it varies dramatically from your own, but it's like a coin, two sided, and has merit..... maybe not so much to you, but if its coming from someone you love, try your best to accommodate them. It goes a long way in keeping the peace, and may gain you insight or another perspective on things. Good luck.
Easier said than done, but in marriage, we're supposed to put the other person first. Considering the limited amount of time you actually have together, I'm not sure what you argue about, but I would encourage you to make that time be about your husband. It's likely that his time in Afghanistan has changed him, so he's probably right about you no longer understanding him. You said you want to get to know him again, so you need to act like it. You do this by asking him questions about his day, his life and trying to focus more on him.



If you want to make this work, you need to make him feel like he's your biggest priority. It's how our partners make us feel that makes all the difference.



I hope this helps.
Not only do you have to listen, you have to truly see him and appreciate him for the man he is. He has to feel you truly are sincere. Men don't have any outlet for intimacy other than sex. That being said, your role with him is more important than you may realize. If you really get into his mind and understand the pressures men really experience as men, you will want to listen and it will come naturally. I think men are wonderful interesting creatures and I love to listen to them. There are many books out there to help you as well.